what little hope i have i hold for you

The mood has finally struck. This image came to my head a few days ago when I realized it’s been quite a bit since my last Emotia painting when I realized the last one was before Ronan was born. A lot of milestones have been reached since “I am Growing.” For example, I had a baby haha. But I’ve also had another surgery since then. I also finished grad school. And the love of my life is in one of his hardest periods since I’ve known him right now.

Ryan joked when I was talking about the feather that it was Emily Dickinson, but it is.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers –
That perches in the soul –
And sings the tune without the words –
And never stops – at all –

And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard –
And sore must be the storm –
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm –

I’ve heard it in the chillest land –
And on the strangest Sea –
Yet – never – in Extremity,
It asked a crumb – of me.

Emily Dickinson

I’ve thought about this poem a lot since we analyzed it back in high school because we talked about how delicate and easily crushed it makes hope sound. But I’ve never understood that better than now as it seems my family is in a period where every time a new hope is born it gets blown away in a Gale.

So I’ve had to put it in a cage, and it makes it harder to reach, but it’s still there glowing softly in my chest.

I’m also a therapist now, and it’s been an interesting time to be holding brand new and grown up wounds for my clients in a period when a lot of new wounds have been cut in my family.

The other “interesting” dynamic to everything has been that honestly at least recently, the misfortune hasn’t been strictly my own but that of my loved one so I’ve had to explore to what extent I hold their pain as my own and how to navigate that space while establishing myself as a professional. FINALLY.

I am at my second job since graduating in May but it’s been feeling really good and hopeful at Oak Ridge as a straight-up therapist. Someone said something to Ryan about friends from work for me and I was like ah no, I have neither friends nor enemies at work and it’s great. I show up, work, and go home. And the work is helping people navigate their own labyrinths and that feels great as well. I have some really wonderful clients who have really connected with me.

Anyway, as for the other imagery in the new Emotia, the Ronan tattoo is pretty self explanatory. I wanted to incorporate him in this painting since for Ryan and I both, he’s been a steady source of joy and togetherness. He had some bad Two weeks when he got sick for the first time after starting daycare, but aside from that it’s been a true privilege to watch him grow and learn.

Ah yes, and my leg. After a year and a month I still have nerve damage and regular nerve pain as well as chronic back pain from my herniated disc. Yes the cyst was traumatizing and Ronan’s birth with the C-section were traumatizing but not anywhere near how devastating my back injury was. Not only in its effect on my day to day life, but its lasting impact and to what extent it made me question my own strength and my body’s ability to carry on. The lightning looks pretty dope though huh.

Honestly this Emotia kind of created itself. The idea came about yesterday and I worked on it throughout the day and into today without much hesitation. I’m not sure it’s necessarily quite as refined as some of the otehrs but the symbolism is all there and the art is the quality I wanted it to be.

And with that, here’s all the earlier ones! Most recent to the oldest.

Endure
February 2016

inktober etc.

I decided to try to commit (cautiously) to Inktober this year because I had so much success doing my 100 Days project last year. 21 days in and I haven’t missed a one and I’ve produced some pretty painterly pieces around a theme. In fact I’m writing this at my (new) job but I have some more to add to the inktober dump when I get home.

The prompt for this day was “stuck” so I was going to do a sexy conflict with a dagger involved but I wasn’t in the mood so I did this purple skinned orc type instead.
Kawaii boobie fun colors
I almost couldn’t generate an idea for “pick” so I threw it in as some dialogue haha
One of the earliest prompts that I really got into
Ahhh…Solaris
My kid being a tall skinny gremlin
Ronan was getting weird with his toys
a quick family portrait
I spent so many days working linelessly I was beginning to doubt if I could be satisfied with lines, so I did just lines
Ronan kept asking for Mommy, Gaggee and Ronan pictures when he’d look at my old pre-baby family portraits. But we’re poor so I haven’t gotten this one printed yet.
this prompt combined two days so i could spend more time on this archangel gal
so ronan was super sick this week for the first time ever and it gave him super toddler powers that almost broke us. but yet he’s obsessed with the stars and moon like a true witch’s child.
sexy danny after he popped up in my dream, using the same lyrics i used a decade ago
last night i had a dream i was crushing on the crow lady from kikis delivery service since ronan and i watched it this week, but she told me she thought i had a thing going with andrew but i was afraid he was going to friendzone me. ronan was very confused and couldnt figure out if i was drawing mommy or daddy. story of my life ronan. story of my life,

update?!?!?!?! update. update!

It’s been a quiet summer art-wise what with graduating from Saint Thomas and having my first full time therapy job WHICH I LOVE. But I’ve put out a few completed pieces.

Ironically I actually finished this piece on the 4th of July but that is a trash holiday. We lit up sparklers in the front yard after dark and I yelled blasphemies about our country into the night. Anyway this piece took weeks and weeks, so hella tedious. I guess at least it shows, what with complex lighting and painterly shading. I even gave Danny his old school Eripmav tattoo under his eye. And you know Ingrid would have a neck tattoo.
I didn’t finish this but I also think I have a hard time doing airbrushing and ever feeling like it’s complete. So I didn’t bother and I’m uploading it anyway. Featuring, THE PUPPY! (he’s psychotic)
speaks for itself

Sorry. I am Not Dead.

Well, I realized last week that finishing up my Master’s degree has destroyed my ability to engage in activities I like. It was a really rough 5 months honestly. I was angry a lot of the time and depressed a lot of the rest of the time. It was just the fact that the end has been in sight since I started my practicum and it’s been a rough way to end such a long journey starting way back when I started at Adler in 2015.

But I got a job already and I have 25 hours of my 700 hours of supervision left to go. My new job is awesome and I have my own office to do therapy in with adolescents who really need help.

I’ve been managing art here and there but no big projects and nothing that remarkable. Regardless, I put together 20 pictures I’ve worked on this year that haven’t been terrible.

I don’t remember why this picture was so sad. I mean, stress probably. But it’s The Killers lyrics and they got me emotional.
Andrew and Micah have been coming up on my Timehop this last month. It gives me the urge to come up with another story starring them with a less problematic teacher/student relationship, oh Mary. I’m hoping when I finish up my internship I can focus on art projects more.
The Satos/Evereauxs/Stillwaters! <3
Magical moon girl
Magical wood sprite girl
Magical fairy boy
I have a suspicion I did this on Valentine’s Day cause they’re freaks and I love them
I color portraits of Micah with like 90% of my artistic energy
Siv doodle. What a great character design
Micah as a slutty boi
A portrait I did last week that is rocking serious Yellow Diamond’s Pearl vibes. #whyhaventidonestevenuniversefanart
sunshine girl drawn on the plane to or from Hawaii
triple moon goddess vibes
magical devil girl
spring witch
pisces energy
voyeuring on my husband
husband profile pic
ronan and baya
anna and josh. i’ve had more success with commissions than my personal art this year, probably due to lack of energy

closing thoughts for 2020

Ok but also I posted this on the 1st because I was very resistant to working on it sooner for whatever reason haha. But Ronan is obsessed with my office in the attic (it’s like 90% because of the moon tapestry I have that he’s obsessed with even though he can’t say moon, so he just goes …bhhhhhhhhhhhhhBA really emphatically) so I’ve been up here being creative more often.

Anyway here’s all the things I meant to do to wrap up the year.

Micah my dear, looking dope with sketchy lines and airbrush colors, like a character sheet from Saga haha.

Ok so the idea of kintsugi kept hanging in my head for this year not only because of all the insanity in the world but because of what happened to my back this fall. Physical therapy hasn’t been the miracle pill I was kind of hoping it would be and I think it’s going to be quite a journey back to a healthy strong body.

Anyway this was my first draft of the kintsugi idea

And it’s fine and everything= and her titties and lil back roll look real good but it didn’t really feel sophisticated or anything, so I pivoted and did a self portrait and was like YEp

So…no artistic goals for 2021, just going to see where the year takes me. 🙂

showing off? yes maybe

Merry Christmas from my OCs to you! My digital art has come very, very far in 2020, barring all other horrors of the year. It has been a good year for my artistic gains.

This photo is also a beast; I drew it at 11×14 which helped with all the fine details!

Can we appreciate Lucy and Levi hanging sun-globes on the tree? And Nikkei being a dumbass cat? And Danny cheating on his get swol diet, in a body inspired by scrutiny of Henry Cavill as Geralt? 😉 Also Micah’s sweater, give me yes pls.

I definitely have a lot of other art but I’ll save that for a separate post in the quiet days to come.

all grown up & out on the town

After a busy month of settling in to our new house and to my internship, I finally relaxed enough today to pick up my iPad. Yesterday a client at my internship kept describing themselves as “nostalgic” so then I got nostalgic and of course my mind turned to my imaginary fam. So I was like HMM WHERE SHOULD THEY BE and then I was like hey bro, nothing wrong with adults going to a bar, and voila. Andrew and Danny arguing while doing shots, Micah filming everyone, and Ingrid ignoring them and drinking good wine (or blood). V atmospheric, no?