broken like me

lovelytheband’s song doesn’t have anything to do with this painting but it was an easy title.

Sigh, ugh, I don’t know…finally used a painting as an opportunity to express a feeling I’m afraid to talk about. Won’t even here. But yes, this girl is creeeepy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa fffffffffffffffffff.

Used oil paint. Very goopy. Very hard to scoot.


sing-songy valentines drawings

Yet again, some 4 years later, I somehow ended up accidentally using Lee and Lucy for a Valentine’s drawing. Probably regret Levi’s hat. He’s not a hat kind of guy apparently. Not that it looks bad, it just makes him look so un-Levi-like. I fucking love both their cute little faces. And Lucienne’s glorious thick Tangled-esque braid. Friendly reminder that Lucy and Lee have reminded me of Rapunzel and Flynn ever since I saw the movie in theaters when I was first writing it eight fucking years ago per IMDB.

Used a surface blur this time around to soften the grainy familiarity of colored pencils. And nod to Levi’s “SW” hat.

Hopefully now that I finally put the lyrics from that one song into a drawing I’ll stop being so ridiculous about it.

annual fanart

Omfg, so I have probably put 60+ hours into Assassin’s Creed: Origins so far. It’s basically my dream come true. A third person sneaky bow and arrow parkour game starring a hunky Egyptian climbing pyramids and statues of gods and fighting crocodiles and hyenas. And then the protagonist’s wife Aya is like, oh my god. Their relationship is amazing. Aya is like sworn to the Queen and Bayek is like “hey can we just go hang out and be husband and wife and have sex on boats pls” and she’s like “UGH BAYEK NOT NOW I’M SAVING EGYPT” and he’s like “aw ):” and then Aya’s like hold on honey this Caesar guy doesn’t think a woman should do this and Bayek’s like lololol do it up babe and then tells off Caesar like hey last time a man doubted her she cut him into pieces. Ughhh I can’t handle it. But then I think in the last act I just finished they kinda broke up and I got a lot of feels so, after wanting to make some Bayek fanart, I realized I probably had to make some sad Bayek/Aya fanart (Baya? Ayek? Been working on this painting for 3 days and I still can’t decide on their couple name.)



Can you take a moment and appreciate how much fucking detail I put into their clothesasahaha, it was really hard too because as you progress in the game and upgrade your armor, you’re wearing the same pieces but they go from light leather and jerkin to fucking steel ass steel and gold and shit, so I kept having to decide on what type of armor to put him in and make sure I didn’t change the other pieces to not be from the same upgrade.

Ryan said I should put this up on some of my stores sooo…I’m gonna go do that.


[edit] They. Do. Not.

even though i still feel broken

Pending revisions after I stare at this for a while, I am happy to present my 6th Emotia painting, “even though i still feel broken.”

It’s been about a full year since “i do believe in new beginnings,” and my emotional landscape has gone through a lot this year. I have begun to manage my anxiety symptoms and spent the year on medications that greatly reduced my daily experience with anxiety and almost eliminated all but maybe five panic attacks for all of 2017. I think that’s what the stitch in her head is for. The worst wounds in my brain were kind of fixed, but my feeling of my brain being broken is definitely still there.

I also got the best job I’ve ever had, where every day I put on a smile and bring light, safety, and comfort to kids who are further in that maddening darkness than I’ve ever been. And while it has given me a safe space to talk about how yes, anxiety affects me too, it’s often been undercut by my own feelings of anxiety and insecurity that make it hard for my joy and satisfaction at work to be authentic. I have told many coworkers I become a different person at work, and nobody would believe how socially anxious I am, or how mean or cynical I am, in my real everyday life. So the mask I put on for work is there, and its strings are navy because that’s what I wear to work, disgustingly, haha. I struggled with how I incorporated work because it really has been a huge part of my life this last year, and I really thrived there and got a promotion and everything, but…I don’t know, last summer I told a patient I really liked that believe it or not I get told on a daily basis I’m someone’s favorite tech, but that approval, that validation, just kind of hits a wall in my heart where compliments don’t get through. I know what I’m capable of at work and I know my strengths, but I still suffer from a heavy, overwhelming belief that I am worthless and incompetent. It’s really sad, and it’s the one thing I am setting into 2018 trying to change.

The eyes battle with each other because of a deep and intense anger that I had for most of 2017. It was all because of the blood on my hands, the loss I suffered, the mistake I made, the people I hurt. It was a deep and hollow anger and hurt that I knew all that could be done about is to get through it.

The anger became something of a coldness in me as the year wrapped up. I have snowflakes on my shoulder for two reasons: the holidays were one of the emotionally hardest part of my year, and all my anger and disappointment in myself made me feel cold and numb. Work was awful, and I just really struggled feeling wanted or a sense of belonging. And the frustrating part of that is that there’s no good reason for it. I have not one but two families who have loved and accepted me. But I was wildly PMSing on Christmas and that did a lot of emotional damage to me. So, holiday snowflakes, internal numbness.

The shattered chest is a throwback to my original Emotia drawing, “feelings I don’t want.” I still have feelings I don’t want. I did things I shouldn’t have done this year. But again, a lot of this painting circles back to how poorly I feel about myself. That’s why she’s the first Emotia girl with my body type. Except her tit’s a bit perkier. I did gain weight throughout my first year of marriage, and that’s always just felt like something that is completely out of control and yet is still something I feel extraordinarily guilty for.

Still have my foofy wedding dress on. My relationship has been one of the only things unaffected by my emotional turmoil. Only one of my panic attacks last year was about us. We are growing, we are coming together, we are passionately committed to each other, and being married has just given us something unifying, something that keeps us close and alive and intense, even when everything else in our lives is pretty much routine.

So there it is. Something came up on my Timehop this morning of like a simple drawing of me and Hoshi and I realized once again my impossible art standards for myself are probably a huge part of why I don’t produce as much art as I used to. Can’t just do a doodle. Need to do a fucking 14-hour portrait.

Enjoy Emotia in succession.


as of late

I have definitely ghosted a bit on my art life. I have had some serious holiday blues this year and it’s made it really hard to focus on any creative projects. Basically every day for the past two months or so I have been trying to come up with a creative story idea to either do as a graphic novel or a normal novel and literally just nothing has come of it. None of my themes ring true and any serious soul searching themes I have are honestly just a bit too heavy to get into yet as they are all just kind of still happening and I’m not ready to confront them. So I’ll keep trying every day till something bursts forth basically.

My digital art has been really really dry. I feel like I keep drawing the same person with the same colors over and over. It doesn’t mean anything or make me feel anything so usually what I do is save it as a lame sketch and move on unaffected. This is kind of the issue I guess with not having a story. I feel so inspired when I’m writing about new people doing whimsical things. When I’m not I feel dishonest when I draw some random person doing something mundane usually with a coffee cup. But the inspiration literally just doesn’t come right now.

Naturally in times of trial I turn towards Ryan for inspiration, so I ended up painting us a Christmas card and I think it’s pretty cute.

Here’s some uninspired hand sketches.

Half a drawing called “When there’s only the dark side.”


A sketchy painting from work.

A sketch from showers time at work.


surpassing witchy warmup

Apparently the Mary as a Witch motif has been very inspiring to me lately. Worked on this over the course of three evenings. FRICKING LOVE IT. One of my most sophisticated color palettes and compositions on the computer in ages. Glad I more or less covered up my panty peek so I’m ont embarrassed about that…in all frankness you can still see it under my semi-transparent flutters. ^_^

This witch drawing was very well received on Facebook, but somehow it still doesn’t feel like an official addition to my art unless I post it in my blog.

For the record, these two sketches below were definitely my warmups for that witch drawing, which is cool. I actually let these two be sketchy/thoughts/experimental. I love the red and black one; it was first, and then I think I tried too hard with the other one and ended up abandoning my attempt to add hair because nothing looked good.

don’t call it a comeback

Apparently all I needed was a full day home with myself! And Ryan wanted me to turn him into a spoopy ghost. And I wanted to be an adorable witch. The rest his history! I LOVE this! It’s so presh. Strong lineart inspired by Gwenpool’s last issue where it was suddenly a lot blockier.

Why though did the broom turn out to be the best part?

a bit dried up

I have had absolutely no creative juices the last month or so. I’m not entirely sure why – I think work’s been a bit draining; I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing. So two nights ago I finally plugged in my tablet and just sketched meaningless crap. Here they are.


in case you can’t see

I have been completely confused by myself because I have not posted this image since my show last week. I thought I would do it right away. But I had an experience with a viewer at my gallery showing with this piece and its statement that literally rocked my world. It was amazing. I came out with this grandiose idea to produce a piece that was a physical representation of how I feel when I’m tied up in anxiety, and I didn’t want it to be misconstrued, so I made an artist statement describing my experience with anxiety and why I wanted to make it visible for those that don’t experience it.

I think this statement was way more effective than I could have imagined. I wanted to come and blog about it, to rave about the response I got to it, but it was real people who were affected by what I wrote and I want to respect their privacy. Bottom line is…I did it. This was a success.