what a tragedy of conscience

Times have been terrible this past week. Honestly the lowest of all. My life has been essentially shattered, and not by something beyond my control, but by my own thoughtless hand. I’ve lost an enormous amount of what I’ve held dear. Fortunately for me, I married a man whose forgiveness and tenderness know no bounds. I didn’t even know it till now, either. We’ve been deeply wounded – I wounded him, and after tending to his wounds till they began to heal, I realized how deeply I’d been wounded too.

In a sense I feel like he’s all I’ve got now, and everything else is empty and cold. He can make me smile and explode and he wipes away my tears and because of his faith in me is the only reason I don’t hate myself entirely. He wants to help me heal no matter the cost to him.

So when I endeavored to make an extraordinarily depressing painting of us, he was by my side making suggestions and providing affirmation, as ever. I feel like this really dug into the essence of what our hearts are like right now. I’m drained and wounded and confused and I’ve slashed his heart in two and tangled him up in my own hurts. But he’s held my hand and held me close and told me we’ll make it through.

There are some mistakes that are truly life-altering. I’m still reckoning with what I’ve done and ruined. If not for him to guide me through this and to hold my heart in his hands, I’d surely have destroyed myself by now.

I’m really, really sad. I’m in a true spell of situational depression. It’s all I’ve been able to think about today – it’s always there, even when I’m laughing or curling my toes or pressing my nose to  my tablet as I create. And I can only hope that because of him and because we know how to care for each other and ourselves, that my wounds too will begin to heal up. That my lifeblood will slowly refill inside me. That I’ll use this as a lesson that everything I do affects my husband, in small ways and large, and that I must protect myself but also him. That my future is with him, and that we can get through anything as long as we’re together.

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